Being a parent is a tough yet rewarding job. It is very important for both parents to participate in raising the children. Too many times, I hear mothers say "I DO EVERYTHING FOR THE CHILDREN. MY PARTNER DOESN'T DO THIS OR THAT." I am always shocked because even though I am a stay at home mom, my husband does just as much as I do. My husband is the "bread winner" in our family and we love him for that! But, he is also very involved in raising our Queen. Ever since he went back to work after our baby was one week old, I have had night duty and he morning duty. I have always been a night owl who loves to sleep during the day. He is an early riser and loves doing things during the day. Now that my queen sleeps through the night, I still wake up to change her diaper at about 2am so she won't have a soaked diaper. She stays asleep during this process by the way, (I change her in the crib). Then I go back to bed knowing my hubby will take over in the morning. I am also the one who gets up if she cries in the middle of the night when she is sick; unless it is the weekend when we switch duties. I think it is very important for my husband to be well rested for work so he can excel at his job. I have the privilege of napping during the day when my little queen naps.
We also alternate bath duty. One night I give her a bath and get her ready for bed, then the next night it's hubby's turn.
We have always said that we want our children to love us equally and know that no parent is better than the other. My husband is very "nuturing and loving" just like me. I am very "playful and funny" just like my hubby. We do not have roles based on our gender.
I believe that in life, people will do what you allow them to do. So if you allow your partner to get away with coming home from work and not helping with the kids, then why should they change. Being a stay at home mom is very hard. You lack adult contact and coversations. You even lack going outside some days. You are with the child/ren all day. Some times, you need a break to just be alone to relax without having to worry about caring for the baby. My husband knows this. When he gets home from work, he takes right over if there isn't any office work he has to complete. If there is, he finishes up his work and then takes over. He also cooks dinner (almost) every night. I run the house hold operations; like making sure all the laundry is done, all necesseties are in the house (check out my must have list), the bills are paid, food is in the house, dishes are done and he has everything he needs. Sometimes I fall short on my dish and laundry duties and vice versa. It's ok when this happens and we know that.
My hubby has to go away a lot for work and I do not complain because I am not overwhelmed with my mommy duties. Due to his help. Any time he wants to go out with friends, I am ok with that because he is such a great father and hubby! I was raised without having a dad and my hubby was raised without having a mother, but we know how we want to raise our children since we missed out on having both parents. It breaks my heart when people make it sound as though mothers are the most important parent. Both parents are equally important!! When children are raised seeing both parents actively parenting, this will only boost their self-esteem, knowledge and ability to love. When parenting is done postively, so many great things happen for all parties involved.
Single parenting is extremely hard. My mother was a single parent of eight with no daddy involved. She did her best, but she could have used alot of help that she didn't get. Which in turn, affected all of her children's lives.
I hope that everyone reading this demands more from there partners when it comes to paretning. Even if you are no longer together. Your children deserve the best from both parents. Just because one parent is the "bread winner" and the other stays home, that doesn't excuse them from being a parent. Remember, the parent that stays home, is working too. 50/50 parenting is a must if you want the best in life for yourself, family and child!!! Demand equally parenting!
Harbor Freight
1 year ago
Wow...I didn't know that you had 7 other siblings! Kudos to your mom! I think you raise some very valid points in this post. I think it is really important to have both parents involved in the raising/development of children. I am so happy that you and your husband have been able to achieve a 50/50 split because I know that can be challenging at times due to work schedules and other obligations.
ReplyDeleteThis post sounds reminiscent of a conversation that I had with a good friend recently about marriage/relationships and child-rearing being a total partnership. She tends to struggle with roles/responsibilities that she perceives as being completely based on gender, although, I would argue differently. To some (including her) it seems that her responsibilities as the stay at home student mom (i.e. cooking, cleaning and general care for her daughter) are all based on what her partner believes is her "job" or "role" as a woman and mother. However, I counseled that its less about gender or equity but more about doing what's best for her daughter. And although she and her partner do not split the household responsibilities 50/50 they each make an equal contribution, with her partner being the "bread winner" and she being the "homemaker". She still struggles with this gender association (LOL) but she's getting better.
Due to schedules and the fact that I can work out of the house, I assume the majority of responsibility for the kids and he assumes the majority of the financial responsibility which works out nicely (although, I'd like to beat him to bed once in a while ***smile***)
In my house it's never 50/50 and it will never be that. It's whoever is available (including grandma, auntie, babysitter), most of the time it's me in pregnancy, sickness and health. My husbands schedule is so inconsistent it's hard to plan around it so I usually do everything. I am not always happy about it but I accept it for what it is. It has made me realize my own strength as a woman. And God forbid if ever something happens to my husband, I will be okay.
ReplyDeleteAs your children get older they choose the parent they want to engage with most. Many times I arrive at the babysitter to be ignored or asked is daddy outside :( if we show up together they scream daddy at the top of their lungs. My babysitter who has 3 of her own comforted me and said it's normal. Of course I get them when they are sick thers's nothing like the healing of Dr. Mom, even if it's a kiss to a booboo or back rub.
I agree both parents are important in filling their role, meaning a mom can never be daddy and daddy can never be a mom.
It's also amazing how this plays out in school, I remember a school social worker telling me about my sons behavior and comparing him to another naughty child but basically saying my son will be okay b/c he has parents! The other child was from a single parent home. This hurt me to hear her say that only b/c I was a foster child and didn't have traditional parents, I had a strict old PR woman raise me and she felt like, food, clothes, cleaning, and shelter was all I needed, never a hug, kiss, or I love you (but that's another story). I turned out just fine, at least I like to think I did, lol :)
Great post MOAQ!
Well said although (unfortunately) I don't have that in my household! :( Maybe you could spend a week with my dear hubby and whip him into shape! He has the "old school" italian thinking where "my job" is all about baby and house "stuff" while he pays the bills. Sad but true. After 13 years I choose to pick my battles and diapers is not one of them. (Yes, I admit, he has only changed ONE diaper in all 18 months of our daughter's life.) Ouch - I do feel the slaps ladies! I will make sure to keep reading this blog to get some tips!
ReplyDeleteIf 50/50 Equal Parenting should be demanded from the stay at home parent, then 50/50 Equal Bread-Winning should be demanded from the working parent. It will only be then that it is truly equal (50/50) in the household.
ReplyDeleteI have a daughter with a man whom I divorced when she was an infant due to his alcoholism and drug abuse. He is not a part of our lives and never will be. He never shows up for court for his backed-up child support, and there is a warrant out for his arrest.
ReplyDeleteI must work 6 days a week to provide for myself and my child which includes her costs for childcare. I rise early and get off to sleep late.
My boyfriend tries to help out as much as possible, but that includes him working much overtime.
What I would do to be able to be a stay at home parent to raise my daughter. This is a privilege I was never granted. I missed raising my daughter who was placed in childcare at 6 weeks of age, and now is in elementary school. I have to help her with her homework, bath her and cook dinner (while my boyfriend is still working overtime)
Each day is a struggle for me, but so far I have overcome each battle with a smile because I have survived each challenge.
50/50 only if the the say at home parent is making just as much money for the family...
ReplyDeleteYou 'love him for that' that he is the bread winner. Well how about he 'loves you for being the homemaker'.
ReplyDelete"Until you walk in my shoes then you cannot understand how I feel"
Your husband has walked in your shoes. Have you walked in his?
Since there are no gender roles in your home, it may be a good idea as you say to "switch" duties. On the days your hubby watches the baby to relieve you, this may a good time for you to "switch" and work part-time outside of the home to relieve him of his financial obligations.
When is it his turn to get a break while you are getting yours? During the day you nap while the baby naps, you attend many extracurricular activites/baby classes w/your baby as you've posted in this blog, and see your friends/shop/etc...
Can your husband nap during the day when he is tired at work? Or see his friends during the day or attend classes/shop/have leisure? Maybe thats why he sees his friends at night.
Maybe your hubby should 'switch' and be the stay at home Dad. You are educated as your blog states & can become the bread-winner. You can work fulltime, come home after work and then help him out with the baby (then cook dinner,bathe the baby, and get up early too so he can sleep late)
I would like to know if you would then feel 50/50 parenting is essential if the roles were reversed.
I am not envious, but feel your husband is being taken advantage of. Many women would simply love to be a stay at home mother,with a roof over their head, paid bills, and food to eat, especially in this difficult economy.